


I Tried To Leave You

by ariella884



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Beyer-verse, Book: Full Circle - Kirsten Beyer, Book: The Eternal Tide - Kirsten Beyer, Merry Month of Cohen, Relaunch Fic, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 08:29:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18847360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariella884/pseuds/ariella884
Summary: I tried to leave you, Chakotay.Honestly, unfortunately, I did. But I couldn’t.SPOILERS FOR ETERNAL TIDE AND FULL CIRCLE!!!





	I Tried To Leave You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Killermanatee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killermanatee/gifts), [MiaCooper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiaCooper/gifts), [Caladenia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caladenia/gifts).



> This is prompted from the Cohen song 'I Tried to Leave You'. That being said, it doesn't really follow the song at all. It was the title that prompted this which is pretty obvious once you read it. I read the title once and this idea came to me and I really needed to write it.
> 
> This takes place some time after Kirsten Beyer's Eternal Tide. Please realize that there are major spoilers for Eternal Tide and Full Circle in this short little fic. If you haven't read the books, what are you waiting for??? Go read them, then you can come back to reading this. 
> 
> Thank you to MiaCooper for organizing this great challenge and to Caldenia for the original idea! It's the first challenge I've ever been a part of!! So thank you for giving me a reason to write something new!!
> 
> A huge hank you to killermanatee for being my beta for this and for loving the Relaunch Universe as much as I do!! 
> 
> All mistake are clearly still my own, but feel free to point them out, gently. And no, I don't own these characters or anyting Trek related, but really we all love to torture them now and again ;)

I tried to leave you, Chakotay.

 

Honestly, unfortunately, I did. But I couldn’t.

 

It’s been seven weeks and five days since I’ve seen you, talked to you, held you in my arms. I remember clearly our last conversation. It was in your quarters on Voyager, you had just finished packing for the mission and I was getting ready to head back to Vesta. We were both exhausted, neither of us got much sleep, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Lying in your arms, whether we are making love, talking about our day, or just silently being together, is the best part of my days and I wouldn’t give up those moments for anything, not even sleep. 

 

That morning you turned away and walked towards the door, and I remember trying to keep myself from laughing out loud. We had just shared a passionate kiss goodbye and, I will proudly say, you forgot yourself a little bit and almost left without the bag you had just packed moments before. I remember watching you leave, feeling nothing but the happiness that had been missing from my life for so long. 

 

That was seven weeks and five days ago.

 

You were suppose to be gone one night.

 

Instead, you disappeared 3 hours after your shuttle landed on Ercanna, a seemingly idyllic and peaceful planet, and thus a rarity in the Delta Quadrant. One moment you were seen socializing at the gala and the next you were gone, no trace of either you or your combage. There is no official record of you being on the planet, other than the testimony of the Starfleet officers who accompanied you and our ship’s records, which unfortunately don’t  amount to much in this society.

 

The captains in the fleet are pressuring me. Without any evidence or leads to follow we are at a dead end. We have nowhere else to look, no one else to talk to, but I still feel your presence. Is it my imagination? I would know if you were really gone, right? I can’t give up on you, just like I know you would never give up on me. 

 

I tried to give the order a hundred times over the last few days. I even went so far as to call a meeting with all captains and senior officers to tell them. I couldn’t do it. Instead I berated them, even yelled, for more answers, more options. There were none. 

 

I know what they are thinking of me. I’ve lost my objectivity; I’m letting my feelings get in the way. And you know, they’re right. I am. But damn it, after I thought I lost you to the Omega Continuum, I felt more pain than I have ever felt in my life. More even than when I was turned into a Borg queen, more than when I died myself. 

 

People ask, what’s worse, dying or being the one left behind to deal with the grief. I’m one of the few people that can answer that question honestly; it’s being left behind.  I tried to be the strong leader everyone thinks I am. When the plans were made for you to take the shuttle, I didn’t like it, I hated it. But I understood, I did. No matter how much I didn’t want to think about being without you, the fate of the universe literally hung in the balance. It was my trust and love in you that made me believe in that decision. 

 

So I didn’t fight you, though maybe I should have. That last moment alone with you before you left, I almost lost my resolve. I almost begged you to stay. Instead I said the three words that I had never said to you before; I told you I loved you. To be honest, I wasn’t scared for you. I had a sense of where you were going and for some unknown reason, that gave me peace. My fear was for myself, unknowing if I could survive this life without you by my side. 

 

When it was all over and I was standing alone on Voyager’s battle bridge, your death rushed over me like a heavy black veil. I had just lost a piece of my soul, a piece of myself, and I couldn’t imagine living another day. 

 

Then you were there, right in front of me, a mirage of my thoughts I was sure. 

 

The universe gave you back to me that day; I lived without you for mere moments, yet it felt like eternity. And now it’s been seven weeks without you, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave you on this planet. I can’t leave, never knowing what happened to you. That is almost worse than confirmation of your death. If I knew you were gone, I think I could try to move forward, even if the absence of you in my life never fully heals. It’s the not knowing part that is killing me, and I can’t leave with this uncertainty. 

 

_ “Paris to Janeway.” _

 

“Janeway here.” I hear my voice shaking with each syllable.

 

“ _We found him, Admiral._ ”

 

I am trying so hard to determine your fate from those three words, from the emotion in Paris’ voice. My heart is being squeezed alive in my chest, lungs burning from holding my breath, waiting for the words that will either further destroy me or bring my life back to me. 

 

“Tom….tell me.”

 

I hear him say the words, but as they dance around through my mind, I can’t hold on to my emotions any longer. Everything rushes at me all at once and I see the darkness taking over my vision. 

 

Finally. 

 

It’s over. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I know that ending isn't what anyone wants. I hate when fics do that to me too. But this is just how it had to be and I'm not sorry.   
> That being said, I have considered writing a second part/chapter where we find out what happened. I started it, which means I have some ideas. But this is how I fully intended this fic to end so no guarantees there will be more. If you want, put your own ending to it! Hahaha! Thanks for reading!


End file.
